The following is a guest post.


New Year’s Eve 2019, I was filled with anticipation and hope for the coming new year. Just like most others! What I didn’t know is that God was getting ready to teach me about myself, and challenge me in a way like never before. I am going through a divorce, so I am legally separated.

Like most women, I am a hopeless romantic. So, when I met Todd*, my heart skipped a little beat. He was handsome, charming, rugged, and said all the things that I wanted to hear. He said he was separated too. He thought I was amazing, beautiful, a wonderful mother. He wanted to have a future with me, and to start a family with me. I was so excited. We planned to try and get pregnant. Honestly, it didn’t take long. By the first week in April, I was having symptoms. I told him that I needed to take a test, but something had changed. He wasn’t acting like his “normal” self. The ax was about to fall on me. I found out that most of what he had told me was lies. He wasn’t separated. In fact, he was very much still with his wife. That he had been confused and that he had made a huge mistake. He didn’t want to be with me or a pregnancy. The day after this conversation with Todd, I took a pregnancy test; it was positive.

I was devastated. What was I going to do now? I have preached Pro-Life and Anti-Abortion sentiments my entire life, but now I had an unwanted pregnancy. For the first time EVER, I was in the position to practice what I had been preaching for years. Would I do it?

I went through several weeks of really being in a “dark night of the soul.” At first I didn’t share that with anyone. I was ashamed of my feelings. I have two children that are older. I was over the moon excited when I found out that I was pregnant with both of them. . . I was NOT feeling that at all this time. As a matter of fact, I was grasping at anything to try and figure out how I could get out of this experience.

After about three weeks of suffering in my brain, I finally broke my silence and shared with my therapist. I mentioned the possibility of adoption at that time. However, I really questioned if I would be “able to actually do it.” The way I was thinking of it at the time is that I would be giving away a piece of myself. I wasn’t sure that I was capable. On the flip side of that though was that, I felt no emotional attachment to this pregnancy or the baby. It was a very confusing time. Another week or so went by as I wrestled with these feelings in my mind, heart, and soul.

One Saturday in particular, I was just having an absolutely awful time. I got in my car and just started driving. I didn’t have any destination in mind, I just drove. Oddly enough, I wound up at my mother’s house. She was home and took me out for a drive. As she drove, we talked. I opened up about the truth of the situation. I felt hopeless. I cried a lot. She took my hand and told me she was praying for me and the entire circumstance. She asked about adoption and I replied that I had been thinking about that, but I wasn’t sure that I could do it.

What happened at that moment can only be described as a Divine Epiphany. It was like lightening struck my brain. I realized that I knew someone. I knew someone very personally. In that moment, I understood why I had been feeling the way I had. Why I felt no attachment. This baby was never meant for me, and I knew exactly who it was meant for.

Rewind with me if you will to 1993. My family had just moved to an apartment community in Frederick, MD. I was ten years old. As we moved our belongings into our new home, two little girls came up and offered to come in and help. Now my skeptical mother said no thank you, and as they left was mumbling about how we could be serial killers and that kids shouldn’t be talking to strangers. I had no idea at that moment my life would change forever and that a God ordained plan was set into motion right then, almost 28 years ago.

One of those girls was Anna Desiree Wheaton. She was also ten years old. Over the years, Desiree and I became the best of friends. Like most long term friends, we had years that we were really close and years that we weren’t. Unfortunately, in our late teen years, Desiree was given a devastating diagnosis of severe PCOS. She was told that she would most likely never have children. She was heartbroken. I held her while she cried; matter of fact, through the years I held her many times while she cried as a deep rooted dream she had was dying. It was gut-wrenching to watch a light in my best friend fizzle out. At that time, I told her that if she ever wanted to “borrow my uterus”, I’d be more than happy to loan it to her. Little did I know. . .

Fast forward a few years, she visited me and my son days after he was born, and then almost 4 years after that she attended the birth of my daughter. All the while with an ache in her own heart. My kids have grown up calling her Aunt Dee Dee. She eventually met her wonderful husband, Shawn Davis. Shortly after they married, they began trying to conceive. After a year of trying on their own, they went to Shady Grove infertility specialists. They tried all the treatments that their finances would allow without any success. They looked into adoption agencies as well, everything was outside of what they could afford. At this point, she really became bitter, and my heart broke for her.

You probably know where I am going with this. . .

That’s right. In that moment, almost 28 years after we met, I knew exactly what I was supposed to do. A supernatural calm and peace filled my soul. The next day, I called Desiree and asked if I could sit down with her and Shawn. Two days later, on a beautiful spring day, we met under the pavilion at a park. I told them that what I would like to do would be to gift this baby to them through a Directed Placement Adoption. She was speechless. They wanted to take some time to talk and think. The following morning, she contacted me and said that they absolutely wanted to adopt the baby. I was about 8 weeks pregnant at this time.

As the pregnancy progressed, things began to get very difficult. When my second trimester hit, I began getting sick everyday. Sometimes multiple times a day. I got awful acid reflux as well. Between those two symptoms, my throat, inner cheeks, and tongue began to get raw and have bile burn. It was very painful. My blood sugar was wonky (I am hypoglycemic anyway). My sugar would drop so fast that I would get sick too. Add to this all the normal pregnancy aches, pains, and discomforts; I was MISERABLE. This went on for weeks. Feeling so physically sick began to take a serious toll on my mental health.

I would like to mention that I have four very serious mental health diagnoses that I can’t be medicated for during pregnancy. My diagnoses include Bipolar Disorder Type 1, Borderline Personality Disorder, ADHD, and PTSD. That’s right, I wasn’t medicated at all.

At around 7.5 months pregnant, I developed a serious complication – pre-eclampsia. Pre-eclampsia is pregnancy induced high blood pressure. It is a serious diagnosis that can go from normal to life or death in minutes. Mine was particularly dangerous because I wouldn’t display any symptoms of my blood pressure being high, even when it was dangerously so. I spent a few stints in the hospital for observation, a few hours each. At that point, my obstetrician changed my care plan. I was 32.5 weeks pregnant when I went to an office appointment and my blood pressure was 182/100. I was sent directly to the hospital and admitted to stay until I delivered the baby.

Once in the hospital, a birth plan was made. I would deliver the baby by a C-Section at 34 weeks pregnant. I sat in the hospital for 9 days until it was delivery day. Those days were difficult because I was in total isolation due to the Covid Pandemic.

On Wednesday, November 11, 2020, a beautiful baby girl came into this world. Vivienne Alexandra Davis made a loud and spectacular entrance. My best friend’s daughter was born. God had worked out perfectly all the details of the lawyers and adoption paperwork and everything was in place for that moment. Vivienne went to the Special Care Nursery where her mother was waiting to be able to watch through a window for her newborn daughter. The rest of my surgery went off without a hitch. Two days later I was discharged to recover from my surgery at home.

As I sit on my bed and write this, it has been 4 weeks and one day since I delivered. My recovery is going great. Vivienne is still in the hospital. As a 6 week early preemie, she has special needs that take extra care and time to resolve. Desiree and Shawn have been alternating seeing her on a daily basis. Tears fill my eyes right now. This has been the most humbling experience for me. I am honored and feel such a sense of purpose. I got to help a new family start in a non-traditional way. It has been an absolute pleasure and joy for me to watch my best friend blossom into motherhood over the last 4 weeks. I am reminded of a scene from the popular animated Christmas movie How the Grinch Stole Christmas? when his heart grows three sizes. I have literally watched that very thing happen to my best friend. My heart feels like it could burst with love for this new young family.

I wanted to share my journey because, we live in a society that says unwanted pregnancy is an inconvenience. That the baby, that precious life, is expendable. That is simply not true. Even with the extreme trials and struggles that this experience afforded me, I never once considered that this baby girl was at fault and should be ended. Becoming part of something so much bigger than myself has grown my faith exponentially. Helping beautiful people who couldn’t do this for themselves begin a family has touched my heart and soul in a life changing way.

To all of you pregnant women feeling hopeless because you feel stuck, there is hope. I won’t lie and tell you that it’s easy, because it isn’t. Anytime that we set aside our convenience and self-centered human nature, there is work involved; however, the incredible sense of purpose that comes from knowing that you are helping people who feel as hopeless as you, fulfill the dream of starting a family, is unmatched. Nothing can compare. Father God NEVER makes mistakes. He has designed a Biblical and beautiful plan for marriage, sex, family and parenthood. Even though I made decisions outside of that plan — as we all do at times — EVERY messy situation that we make has the opportunity to become an amazing MESS-AGE when we give it to Him.

To all of the moms and dads out there without a baby or child, don’t give up hope. There are babies that God ordained from the beginning to start new families. I pray that God will sustain you all through the difficulties you endure, and lead you to this beautiful experience in His timing.

I would like to give all glory to God for orchestrating this life changing circumstance.

Thank you for taking time to experience my journey.

 

*Name has been changed to protect identity